The feels:Anger, agitated, tired, numb, anxious, restless, sad, unmotivated, urges to self-harm, self-hate, too happy, too excited, explosive, hitting things or myself, frustration, feeling like I’m out my body, weak, too much energy, laughing too much, blurting out, talking too much, talking too fast, talking too less, sleeping more, sleeping less, fast thoughts, no thoughts, no appetite, forget to eat, carelessness, irritated, on edge, suicidal ideation, rage, too much feelings, or no feeling at all. Moods change really fast, sometimes for no reason at all or because of the smallest thing. Aggression. Hard to fall sleep, the next all I do is sleep. Not needing to eat, not needing to sleep, not needing to talk, not needing to be awake, not needing. Joy in everything, no joy in anything. Depression. guilt, nervousness, and swearing too much. Annoyed easily, obnoxious, no filter. Smiling too much, not smiling at all.
Guess who came and visited me out of nowhere? Mica! She pretty much surprise visited me. It was Guerro’s birthday party, a bunch of family was over. Mica pretty much snuck over, he parents thought she would be at Alex’s but instead they came over to the restaurant. What was awkward was when Alex came in and put his arm around me; He clearly didn’t know Mica and I are together.
I was a little upset because he sat next to me. I asked Mica through text to sit beside me and she did. She held my hands. I put my arms around her. Pure ecstasy. Her skin, the way she feels on my fingertips. The way her hair, her lips, and her legs feel and fit perfectly with mine. I wanted to kiss her in front of everyone; I just don’t care anymore. I love her. I fucking love her. I felt like I belonged with her, my body felt so right with her. Everything felt right. I felt ridiculously happy.
It wasn’t until she left that my mood died. I wish she could have stayed but her parents said she had to learn to be responsible. Hopefully they see that she is soon. I would like to spend a lot more time with my girlfriend. All the feelings hit me. I wish it didn’t have to be so difficult. I want to hold her, love her in public. I want to do what heterosexual couples are allowed to do. I deserve at least the chance to be equal. We all do. I’m no different. We are two people who love each other.
I honestly don’t know any other way to keep myself grounded. My mood has been great, fantastic. My energy is overwhelmingly tiring. I can’t explain it. There are moments when I do stop, no movements, no speech, no feeling, and numbness miserable feeling and then I come back. I come back talking, feeling hyped or angry too. As if all this anger, excitement, sadness is coursing through my veins rapidly. That is what I feel. My thoughts are fast; I jump from one subject to another. I try to be calm, and rested alone but even then I can’t. I smile, and laugh as if I can’t control it anywhere I go. I feel my face wanting to smile, to laugh but I have no reason too. I feel odd and then I feel like I’m forcing myself to feel this way, lying about it. I honestly feel like I’m faking all the time but at the same time it feels like I can’t control these burst of energy, anger, numbness, miserable sadness, and excitement.
To catch up with yesterday, I spent really half of my day at school. What was I doing? Well, chilling. I was laughing my ass off. I sat with Ellen, Nat, Chris, Peter, and Max. What was interesting about today, Peter wrote in my journal. It said, “Guerito, (xxx)xxx-xxxx, Never never never give up”. It makes sense. he was so into me. He sat next to me, leaned on me, said I was comfortable. Then I asked if I could put my feet on his lap and he said yes. As we sat there, I felt the warmth of his hands on my knees, and thigh. He then trailed his fingertips up my thigh. Peter was getting touchy; I didn’t really know what to say so I said, ”Yeah, that is my thigh”. Afterward I texted him.
It kind of makes me feel like shit, but it’s how I am. If someone remotely attractive gives me attention and affection I will take advantage of it. I will devour it. I love the feeling, I love feeling wanted, desired, and loved. He flirted with me, and called me beautiful. I didn’t like it when he became sexual in the conversation. What is it with men and their hormones? Most woman aren’t like that until maybe a few months after dating, but for some reason, so far men I’m not dating talk dirty to me after a week, or first conversation. It makes me feel disgusting, so I don’t encourage it. Honestly, if they think I’m going to be that easy they need to leave, or stop. It makes my anxiety go crazy, because I start to feel like they only want me for that one thing. I want someone who will want me for me, all of me and want me for a long-time and not just one night.
It feels like I’m not in a relationship with Mica. I don’t really feel bad soaking up the attention from Peter, because I’m pretty sure it won’t last long. Shit like this only last for a couple days or a month until I’m not interesting anymore. I hate when people pursue me and then throw me away. Mica hardly speaks to me because she’s too fucking busy. I need love, affection, and attention, I NEED IT.
I have not written a single word for the longest of times. It is not like me. This is what happens when the depression seeps in and slowly hits. I lose control of all the things I used to do, all the things I planned to do. I’m falling in and out of major depressive episodes; one even put me into to the hospital for eight days. I almost went back in a couple days ago, but I refused and luckily they didn’t force me to commit. I can’t do it; I can’t afford to miss more school. If I fail school it will add to the pile of stress I am already experiencing.
What has happened? let me recap the month or months for you. There is so much to go through, I don’t know where to start. My thoughts are racing. A motor is driving me. My legs won’t stop moving. Everything happens and goes by so fast I hardly have any time to think, to talk, and to breathe. I feel as if those are the best days, I feel energized but depressed at the same time. There is certainly a point where it becomes a problem, the moments I can’t control it and I am constantly filled with confusion. I end up annoying myself. I talk too much, but I feel great. Actually underneath it all the sadness, I can feel it linger as I laugh. The sadness is the undertones of me; it never leaves. It’s the stench you smell but the kind that never goes away.
Well that’s beside the point. I totally trailed off from the subject I was going to share with you. I don’t know, maybe it’s because it feels like so much to write, and I feel like I don’t have enough time or as if I’ll never finish and yet I write about why I don’t feel like writing. What a contradiction I can be. Time to get back on track, I’m seriously going to try and recap everything this time, well technically I am recapping my moods. PROGRESS! Well, sort of.
Adam, my heart goes out to you. I wish you knew that there is help out there, that there are so many people mourning for you. I know how it feels to want to end your life. Hearing about your death… made me realize that I too would not be here.. I would have been dead September 21st of this year. But I fought and I fought, I went to get help. I was hospitalized for nearly 9 days, and if it wasn’t for that, I don’t think I’d be here, and I’m still fighting. I don’t know if you looked for help, but if you did, at least you tried.
Some would say you were selfish, that you didn’t realize how many people cared about you..you didn’t realize it. You were not selfish. You were selfless and you lost control. You lost yourself and you felt like you couldn’t get yourself back, you wanted to stop and take a pause because life can be so overwhelming and getting out of hand. Adam, there was hope.
It hurts because no one knew your struggles, I sure didn’t, I would have never guessed that such a seemingly happy person would suddenly.. give up, no, not give up, would battle so long silently. You didn’t stop fighting, Adam, you fought this mental illness that brought you to your grave. You fought. You are a warrior. This is living proof that depression has a beautiful face. Rest in peace, Adam, I wish I took the time to know you.
I did really nothing yesterday worth remembering, since I can hardly remember that day. I don’t really do much but feel too much on a daily basis. I stayed hope with Liam and spent pretty much all day till 7pm. Leaving Ivette some time to relax. I went for a quick jog, and bath. I really needed it. I feel like shit. My mood elevated when Mica texted me. We made plans for Sunday. I can’t wait to see her, I miss her so fucking much. I need to feel her so much closer.
I forgot to mention the federal aid is paying my whole year this year! I really need to step up my game. I need this education. I want to focus on LGBT studies for psychology. I want to specialize in it. I want to get my bachelors or masters in either in Indiana or California. I’m so excited. I need this. Motivations please stay with me.
Thursday. Ivette had to go to work pretty early today, leaving me to take care of Liam. I don’t really mind because I don’t have a class today besides choir, and it’s not even a required class; I’m taking this class because choir is a part of me. Math class was canceled because of some family emergency the teacher was going through.
Liam and I spent the day sleeping, watching the L word, and playing the Sims 3. Now that is quality time if you ask me. I sang the ABC’s, Twinkle Little Star and or Row Row The Boat when he would get fussy; Singing him those songs relaxes him, or just puts him to sleep. I love this mofo a lot.
I texted Mica about the FB relationship status; She didn’t want to say it was with me, for my personal safety because I’m not exactly as out as she is. It felt like she was making excuses not to connect it to me. But I’m just overthinking it. And then I asked her what will she tell her parents, Mica said she has a heterosexual decoy. Since I don’t have a Decoy it will probably cause drama to arise. Her decoy is Zach, a guy she has dated for like two weeks. She said, “His parents love me and my parents love him” and that doesn’t make me feel any better about this idea. I don’t express how I feel about it because it didn’t quite phase me until I thought about it more, until the sun began to go down.
As it got dark, I felt numb; Mica wasn’t texting me which played a part in the way I was feeling. I wanted to grab the nail clipper and rip my flesh because I felt so much disgust toward myself and I wanted it to go away. I wanted it to go away so badly that I would hurt myself to get the temporary relief that I needed. I fought the urge and I thought I won. After I went for the jog, my feelings hit harder. I went into the upstairs bathroom and grabbed the broken glass. I accidentally dropped it, creating shattered pieces of glass. Even better, sharper, quicker. I made minor cuts, on my legs, worthless piece of shit, neither good enough nor deep enough cuts. Even the cuts are pathetic.
I felt the relief, and then the thoughts crept in. This Decoy. I disagree. I cannot let this happen again, she needs to set boundaries with him. No kissing, touching, holding, hugging, caressing; Nothing affectionate or sexual. I can’t go through her being unfaithful again. I’m so fucking scared because this will rip me to shreds, take me back to how horrible it felt for her to lie to me and have her tongue down another man’s throat. I want to trust her but she betrayed me the first time and fuck the pain was agonizing. I need to spend time with her. A lot of time.
We had two new people in the GSA, Abby and Cameron (?). Abby was gorgeous, I thought about reserving her for Thalia since I am currently taken by Mica. And I doubt I’m Abby’s type anyway. And I don’t plan on breaking up with Mica anytime soon because I really want to make us work this time around. We had a lot of laughs, and great conversation within the growing group. Looks promising so far, I am so excited to gain more wonderful people! And Stan will be making cookies for the next meet; hopefully this attracts possible members. We changed rooms as well, probably stumping other possible members.
Afterward I went to therapy; I was late. I brought Anjel with me this time, and she was kind of well behaved, but overall she was decent. I love my nieces and nephews so much. I’m like a pro-nanny. Oh and I forgot to mention, in ADT I’m making Mica a bracelet, hopefully she likes it!
At nights Thalia informs me that Mica changed her relationship status to in a relationship. I wasn’t aware she was going to do it. I’ll just ask her about it tomorrow morning.
I can’t really remember anything during the 11th of this month. I was probably busy with school.
I feel like I need you and I hate it.